I’m sick…

“I knew it was nothing.”

Most women do not readily admit weakness – we may really still be damsels in distress but most of us do it under cover of warrior princess or superwoman. In the end, we have the “usual” humdrum of everyday life and then, there are the bad days. You wouldn’t notice the difference because if you did then my full face of glamouflage isn’t working as it should.

To put things simply I’m not okay. My body is mutinying against me, my skin is breaking out, my emotions are partying like its DEC 31, 1999 and its not fun.

I’ve finally decided to cough up the cash to go to an oby-gyn to get myself checked because over the past half year, my menses have not been normal. I’ve always been very attuned to the workings of my body and so I knew that there was SOME sort of imbalance, I just didn’t know what it was.

My period has been lasting 2 weeks at a time leaving me emotionally unstable, bloated, always tired, craving and too maxed out to exercise. I go home and all I want to do is sleep. But sleep is hard to come by and sleep isn’t giving me rest.

The doctor tells me I have menstrual disorder due to hormonal imbalance and gives me progesterones to get things right again. He mentions some side-effects but I’m just happy to hear that my womb and uterus are okay.

That, doesn’t mean though that I am okay.

There’s something wrong with me but its not a physical sickness – its an imbalance that is keeping me from living a happier life. And that gets to me. Some days, I just wanna remember the last time I was happy. Like carefree happy.

I know this sounds like the rant of an angst-ridden teen so I’ll stop soon I promise. I just needed somewhere to rant. To make this struggle real somehow.

I hate it when people look at me like I’m overreacting. I hate it when they won’t even acknowledge what this thing is doing to me. The meds by the way are totally messing me up too. It just feels like nothing is real until you are SICK sick. But heart sickness, mind-sickness, those aren’t readily seen but they’re as real.

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