The past few days, all my time for journaling and writing has been sucked up by tapestryproject.
This is true irony since tapestryproject is supposed to help others to start writing – and here I am. The only writer on staff finding myself too busy writing to write for myself.
I’ve been journaling since I was 12 years old. I remember being inspired by the story of Cassie Bernall. How, in the end, all that was left of her were the words in her journals – words that told the world in her wake (because, if you didn’t know – she was killed in the Columbine Massacre) – that she was not only ready to die for Christ, she had been ready for a long while.
All my life, I’d never been upfront with my true self. When you live life in a fish bowl, you learn to get privacy when you can take it – IF you are given the luxury. Some pastor’s kids learn to give as little of themselves as possible. They’ll sit at the back of the church and choose to be uninvolved.
I tried that once. But it led to a lot of back talk. As much as I was beginning to resent my parents, I didn’t want to give the “church people” ammunition. I suppose my latter actions were born out of a weird protective sense. I wanted to hurt my parents but I didn’t want others to hurt them either.
I survived by learning to give people what they want – at least on the outside. I was all things to – to all people. My facade was the perfect pastor’s daughter. Nobody questions perfection after all. I loved the idea that nobody could touch the real me – that I was “safe” from everyone because nobody knew that I was just acting – a persona of my own making.
It served as a dual purpose. The church people couldn’t use me against my parents. My parents couldn’t say anything against me because I was “good”. And so, everyone would just leave me alone.
That worked for quite a while. Until, it started to get lonely.
When I started journaling, it was little more than a write up of the ongoings in my life. Later on, it became a confessional. In the future, I hope it will be my legacy.
In the end, I don’t really want to be remembered by the things I have done. I will readily admit that many of them were not done for the purest intentions. I write because I realized that I desperately wanted honesty.
But lately, I haven’t had the time to be honest.
I love what I’m doing at tapestry. People have been telling me how God has been talking to them through it. Everyday, I prepare the write up and scour the internet for “assets”. I look through past journals for inspiration and just pour my heart and soul into this project – because I believe in it. But, I can’t help but look forward to when I don’t have to run myself so haggard. When I too can breath again.
This entry, isn’t my best – or my most eloquent. I’m free-writing this thing. I guess I just wanted to rebel a bit.
I don’t have the time to write because I’m busy writing – but, if I don’t have the time, I’ll just make it.
Because I want to. Because I can.