When God Answers Prayer

One of my goals this summer holiday was to write a blog post / life update – not just for all the people out there that care about what’s happening to me – but as a form of thanksgiving to God.

Today I felt the urge to write after I read the featured article on Desiring God.com. Definitely a nice reminder – a recommended reading: “When God Messes With Your Life Plan” (click to read here)

Life plans and I have always had an awkward relationship. 

I enjoy running. Mostly on my elliptical. But on some days when I’m feeling adventurous, I like to run out on the tarmac alongside many of Ma Wan’s running community (and at night, there are MANY). Only, whenever I choose to do so I am reminded of how incredibly awkward it is to see the same familiar faces “waving” at me as they pass by. I always have this “yes-no-maybe” reaction to whether I should wave back or not. Weird. Awkward.

I’ve never had a “life plan” per se. Not for lack of wanting. By nature, I am a fixated person. I tend to focus on details, one thing at a time (which means: multi-tasking is NOT my forte). The longest “life plan” I have is for the next couple of months. Why? Because. 

When I was 13, my youth pastor told us to pray for God to show us his plan for our lives. We closed our eyes and began to pray. I prayed in earnest that day. There was nothing I wanted more – nothing that appealed to my personality more – than to KNOW what God wanted for my life. So I prayed and I cried and I cried and I prayed.

After that meeting, everyone was talking about visions they had seen – and years after the fact, some of those people DID actually see those visions come to pass. But on that day, I was surprisingly quiet. Because. God showed me nothing. 

Not to say that God never shows me anything. God does speak to me.

When I was 16, I was desperate for God to “speak” to me. I even went so far as to go to a prophetic conference. That day, I stayed at the back – I closed my eyes and waited if there would be a word for me. And it came…

At that moment, the “words” didn’t matter so much  (note: I still have it on cassette tape – if only, I could find a cassette player on which to play it HAHAHA). It didn’t matter because God had answered my prayer for affirmation — he touched me.

Some of you remember a little over five years ago, when I decided for my 25th birthday to change from being called “Agatha” (my first name) to “Xaris” my second name. What you may not know is that this came about because of a dream I got. In it, God impressed on me that I should go by “Xaris”. I had to learn to live by grace, to know what it means to truly be good (Agatha). So yeah, that wasn’t my idea. He incepted me (LOL).

A little over a year ago, I found myself on a weird pilgrimage to Israel.

I came, because I could – I had the means, I had the availability. But mostly because I was in need. I was turning 30 and I had no idea what to do with my life. I went to Israel hoping that God would speak to me. A sycamore tree attempt, if you will.

So anyways, there were only two things I knew I wanted to do there. One, I was going to get baptized at Jordan River and two, I was going to pray at the Wailing Wall/Western Wall.

When we got to the Wall, I prayed. I told God, “I’m turning thirty this year. I have finished most of the things I wanted for myself in the past decade. I finished and paid for my education. I have a job that I love and enjoy. I am active and serving at church. Now what? I’m ready for what’s next. Even Jesus began his ministry at 30, please tell me that something new is coming in my life as well. You have to do something. Please…”

And just as when I was 13, I cried as I prayed in desperation – and God said nothing. 

A pigeon did end up pooping on me though. The Jews around me told me that this was a sign of good luck. That God had answered my prayer. I was… unimpressed.

Today is Day 8 of my Annual Cleanse and today I realised:

God did answer my prayer.

Shortly after coming back from Israel, I signed up for my first theology course – studying under my own father as a professor. There, I affirmed that I was my father’s daughter in more ways than one. I took to theological study like fish. After that, I signed up for and passed the Exhorter’s exam. Now, people call me P.X. – short for Pastor Xaris (because the title “Pastor” still makes me cringe). I’ve begun to regularly preach at the pulpit of my Church – something that I still struggle with every time. What can a woman say to a church of 98% women? Surprisingly a lot. But that’s another blogpost for another day.  And OH, my parents are finally moving on from Hong Kong which means that by the end of 2016, I will live all by myself for the first time in my entire life.

If that isn’t complete life change, I don’t know what is.

God answers prayer. It’s not a question of if but when.

Sometimes the answer is definite – he speaks, he shows, he reveals. Other times, it is subtle – he beckons, he whispers, he touches. But most of the time, at least for me, he is silent. But even then, he is working.

Because we know God will always answer, all the more we must respond in faith and hope.

Faith looks to God not only for affirmation that what we’re doing is right but looks to him in supplication for every single aspect of life. And no, it isn’t coincidence that supplication shares a root-word with “supply”. We put our faith in him because he is our supply, our source.

Hope. Isn’t that why people have “life plans?” People make plans because they hope their plans will get them where they want. They hope that by building up the resolve to accomplish something, it will happen – maybe? hopefully?

But a Christian hopes because he/she is built on the assurance of God’s sovereignty. We put our hope in his plan, his providence and his power. We may not see it, we may not understand the hows, whys or whens, but we grow to learn that nothing stands in his way.

Perhaps, life plans are overrated. Especially, if those life plans are built on yourself. But In Christ, we have the Ultimate Life-Coach who not only has a plan, but the power to make all those plans work. That’s what it means to live in Christ everyday.

Thank you for reading this far in. If you have, please keep me in your thoughts and prayers. This year is only the beginning. And while I am scared, I am also excited to see what’s next. This is what I prayed for AND MORE. God has answered in a way that is beyond what I could ever imagine for myself.

I pray with all sincerity that God does the same for you.

Let us continue to expect great things from God and continue to attempt great things as well – for the glory of His name.

Keep Moving Forward

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Its been over a month since the detox ended and I went back to the “real world”.

The good news: I managed to keep to my commitment to workout at least 4 times a week (i.e. 20-minute cardio, some arm toning and ‘core’ pilates sessions). I’ve also begun daily weigh-ins as a form of accountability. My weight has stabilized within the 131-133 lbs zone — which I’m very pleased by.

I don’t have a very rigid diet but I have made some dietary changes. I’ve ditched my routine of eating “breads” for breakfast (HK norm) and have taken to eating natural cereals (oatmeal squares, bran, wholewheat oatmeal) with low fat high calcium milk. I’ve cut my caffeine intake to just ONE flask of home-brewed coffee everyday. This is a stark contrast to when I used to have 6-9 cups of instant coffee before lunch just to keep awake.

After school, I have a light dinner mostly fruits, salads and nuts. These are mainly to give me energy for my workout. After the workout, I usually don’t eat anymore but sometimes I’ll drink a little bit of milk chocolate (excellent for recovery). As a result of this routine, I’ve noticed that I no longer take forever to fall asleep. Note: quality sleep is an important component in my health.

Not sleeping = more caffeine = weight gain = anxiety = self hate = weight gain = not sleeping (AKA the vicious cycle).

I knew that I was truly on a roll when one day, one student in my class (an attention seeker who likes to “offend” teachers) called me “fat” and you know what I said?

“Oh honey. I may not be thin but believe me — I’m strong.”

Hong Kong is a society where being “slim” is synonymous to being “fit”. This, of course, is just plain ridiculous. The women here are genetically pre-disposed to being “slim” but many of them are NOT “fit” — i.e. they have no muscle tone, no strength and no stamina whatsoever.

There is a lot of emphasis on “diet” and cutting on food to become “slimmer” but there are very few women that actually workout on a regular basis. Women here want to be “thin” and slim – muscles are masculine and do not fit their ideal of “waif-like” beauty.

I’d always been sensitive to jabs at my “weight” because its only now that I’ve begun to accept that THIS is the body that I’ve been blessed with. This body has boobs, butt and big bones. I was NEVER going to be “slim” by Hong Kong standards.

But since I’ve taken more responsibility over my fitness, my insecurity has begun to fade – steadily being replaced by a very strong sense of pride. THIS is the body that I’ve been working on. It may not be the ideal, but it is mine and I’m proud of it.

The high point of September was when I spoke at  {The Beautiful & the Brave} — an event that called on women to discover God’s idea of beauty and to respond to the call of beauty — to use their God-given beauty to brave the challenges we face — “in such a time (and place) as this”. 

But alas, mountain top experiences never last – they usually follow a harsh descent to the ground below.

I was slammed by flu. Being a teacher, it’s really just a question of “when” rather than “if” I would get the flu. I began to notice a steady decline in my body’s performance during workouts – I knew then that I was getting sick.

October saw Hong Kong in a state of civil uproar as a result of the civil disobedience movement i.e. “Occupy Central” or the “Umbrella Revolution”. But it seemed that physically I was also in a state of civil war. I began coughing a lot – so much so that I lost my voice completely. My two-day “National Day” holiday was spent in bed – eating and sleeping all day – with no workout. My body, once again, began to feel like a prison.

Its now mid-October and I have not recovered. I’ve gone to the Doctor twice. The first gave me regular medicine – which improved but did not eradicate my cough. The symptoms persisted until I was not only coughing but also developed colds and phlegm. Yesterday, my coughing was so violent it made me vomit for the very first time in my adult life. I went to the doctor and got me some antibiotics.

Being sick is part of being a teacher. As a student, you love missing out on school – as a teacher, its really an inconvenience not only for yourself but for other teachers as well. Teachers get sick and we never really get the chance to fully recover. All we can do is to suck it up until the next “holiday” comes.

So here I find myself — unable to workout as I used to, feeling fat, weak and ugly.

Fitness is an uphill battle for me. Not only am I GENETICALLY predisposed towards fat storage, I work in a field where stress is norm. Under stress, some people may lose weight but stress triggers my body to STORE fat rather than lose it. I love my job and I work well under pressure but I hate what it does to my body.

The upside of being at the bottom is that there’s nowhere to go but UP. At least, that’s what I want to tell myself.

I recently began my period – and its alleviated some of my problems. I realised now that I was not only sick with the flu, it was being worsened by my hormones. Now, I feel like my body is mine again. Even though I still have the flu, I don’t feel so bloated anymore. YEY.

Now feeling more optimistic, I decided I’ve done enough moping. I want to end this blogpost by sharing one of my all-time favourite quotes:

silhouette-womanI hope this can encourage someone today.

Reflections: End of the Detox 2014

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“…things always get worse before they get better…”

That’s the quote that best describes what happens during my detoxes.

Oh, most “detox survivors” (hehe) will happily tell you the euphoric experience that is THE END of the detox. The end almost makes up for the shizznit that they just subjected themselves to. Almost. 

By day three, I find myself asking, “Why do I do this to myself? Why?!” Still, I press on – reminding myself of what I know is waiting for me — in the end. But this year, it didn’t get better after Day 3 – “THE worst day” supposedly. No, it most definitely got worse.

Abstinence from food gives you time. Time that gives you sensitivity to the other things that clog and clutter up your life. This year, I threw out a lot of things, arranged a few more, bought some (okay, a lot more) and brainstorming ideas for storage. Its even carried on to the rest of the house. Such fun!

After so many days spent on the porcelain throne (brown gunk coming out of you), you begin to think on other things in your life that might as well be categorised as faecal (i.e. sh*t).

Trite as it may sound, things started getting better once I heard the sermon at Church on “Knowing God” and decided to renew my commitment to spending quality time with God. So, one morning, I found myself soaking in meditation, reading His Word. I was especially invigorated when I found that the devotional was hooking up with the text that I had been fixated on (since Sunday) — Philippians 3 — “to know Him and the power of His resurrection”

That morning, I was surprised by the depths of my hunger – spiritual hunger that is. People often ask me how I am able to sleep on an empty stomach during the cleanse. I tell them, after three days, your stomach goes “dormant” – hunger is forgotten. When you start breaking the fast, your body starts to remember and hunger is “rediscovered”.

Well, that morning, my spirit rediscovering hunger – how long its been starving? I hate to imagine.

God speaks and I usually take to weeping.Tears came and it felt like so much crap was coming out of me. As I poured out my heart to God, he began to fill me…

What’s the difference when a non-Christian goes on a cleanse/detox and when a true believer goes on a fast?

A cleanse/detox/fast all have an element of abstinence. A non-Christian will feel “loss” – loss of food, loss of weight… but only a true Believer will feel full… of God’s love, his sufficiency.

There’s nothing as truly fulfilling as receiving a Word you know was meant for you. The Words were just so rich and full – though I was still fasting from food, I was feasting in the Spirit.

This morning, Day 10 of the detox – I went to weigh myself and had to quell myself from feeling disappointed. I hadn’t reached my goal of losing at least 10 pounds within 10 days. Shy one pound. (sigh)

Still, hadn’t I decided that this was not about weight loss?

Disappointed, I began to confess my petty feelings to God. I confessed to Him that feeling “thin” made me feel beautiful because people kept telling me, I “looked great” even when I knew that it was superficial. Then, the harder admission: I confessed to Him that it was easier for me to be dedicated to my body than it was to be dedicated to my spirit – to my relationship with Him.

After that initial confession, I began to pray in earnest that I would not just be physically lean but spiritually “lean”… Just like in Hebrews 12 (MSG)

1-3 Do you see what this means—all these pioneers who blazed the way, all these veterans cheering us on? It means we’d better get on with it. Strip down, start running—and never quit! No extra spiritual fat, no parasitic sins. Keep your eyes on Jesus, who both began and finished this race we’re in. Study how he did it. Because he never lost sight of where he was headed—that exhilarating finish in and with God—he could put up with anything along the way: Cross, shame, whatever. And now he’s there, in the place of honour, right alongside God. When you find yourselves flagging in your faith, go over that story again, item by item, that long litany of hostility he plowed through. That will shoot adrenaline into your souls!

I was harbouring parasitic sins and had spiritual “fat” that needed shedding – these were hindering my spiritual running!

So many things had to go but I didn’t have the strength – so I prayed the text of my devotional in Psalm 25:11, “For your name’s sake, O Lord, pardon my guilt, for it is great.”

So here I am in the aftermath of Detox 2014 feeling refreshed and renewed. I have no doubts that I will probably gain back most of the weight I lost but I plan to get back to my workout routine (was able to start again yesterday!)

But this year, I also feel redeemed and reinvigorated to run this race well. To be physically and especially spiritually fit.

I pray that in the future, I will look back at this blog post feeling happy – not regretful. This is not a resolution – this is a covenant where the Holy Spirit himself is the Coach, the running partner and ultimately the one who will carry me to the finish line. I am reminded that we are all training in grace – training every aspect of ourselves to be obedient to the Spirit. I cannot lose – so long as I am dependent on grace.

“It is the pleasure of God’s people to contemplate the graciousness of this covenant. They see that the law was made void because it was a covenant of works and depended upon merit, but this they perceive to be enduring because grace is the basis, grace the condition, grace the strain, grace the bulwark, grace the foundation, grace the topstone.” { C.H. Spurgeon }

In the words of Christ, “it is finished!”

Detox 2014 Update

Today being the fourth day on this detox, things are looking up. At least, that’s what I’ve been telling myself.

The first two days of the detox went about as normal with no major hiccups. I was fortunate that on Tuesday (the day I started), I didn’t have to come to work. On Wednesday, I had to attend a general meeting at the school where I work – a painful three-hour meeting where I sat right next to my colleague and her steaming cup of coffee.

The third day (yesterday) was the worst. It usually is but this year, more so. This, I owed to the fact that instead of waking up at 7:00ish to drink my first lemonade of the day, I got up too late – the hunger pangs had set in. I had nausea and poop episodes all day. I also felt very weak and was very susceptible to sights and smells of food. Hence, I had to lay off instagram and facebook for a while.

Today I woke up feeling a whole lot better than yesterday. I’m going to do the errands that I was supposed to do YESTERDAY but never got to.

Weight wise, I’ve lost around (5) pounds ( a little slow – a little disappointing). But I had to remind myself that first, I was doing this to cleanse my body not to lose weight and second, I have already lost (10) pounds since a shocking weigh-in last February that alerted me to my urgent need to lose weight.

I did it in the old-fashioned way, by doing cardio at least four times a week (and more). I exercised even while on my vacation in the U.S.

I didn’t really go on a “diet” but I was conscious of what I chose to eat, how much and when I ate.I didn’t deprive myself – but stuck to these principles:

  1. I had to decide how much I was going to eat before eating. Also, I consciously loaded up on the healthier options (if they were available).
  2. Eating time was exclusively eating time – no “multi-tasking” while eating – i.e. no facebook, no texting, no work.
  3. I eat breakfast like a king, lunch like a prince and dinner like a pauper.
  4. At the end of a portion, I’d re-evaluate whether I was satisfied (Note: I never ate until I was full. Full means too much)

I challenged myself – to earn my detox by losing 10 pounds before my holiday. And I did! On the last leg of my vacation, I gained four pounds more. But within a week of being back home to my routine, I lost it all again.

This is part of the reason why I felt like I didn’t need to do a 14-day fast this year. Instead, I’m doing a 10-day fast. I will drink my lemonade for (7) days and start breaking the fast on the 8th day (i.e. drink orange juice). By the 10th day, I will be drinking soup and water-based foods – no solid foods yet.

One final reminder (to myself and to anybody else that’s reading this) is that the master cleanse detox is not a shortcut. There are no shortcuts in fitness. In the end, we must pay careful attention to the motivations of our heart and to the things we hold dear.

In Hong Kong there is strong pressure to be “thin”. They don’t care if you have NO muscle tone or that you actually weigh LESS than you ought to be. You must be slim or diet trying. But I don’t want to be slim, I want to be fit. I want to be strong. For what reason?

My body is God’s temple and I am a part of His royal priesthood. My first priority above all else is to be able to glorify Him in every aspect of life – including my health – so that I may be used mightily for His Kingdom – whether I am singing, teaching or doing anything else.

Are We Free?

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On this, our Day of Independence, we must ask ourselves the all important question: { Are We Free? } or make it even more personal { Am I Truly Free? }

In reflection this morning, two things permeated my thoughts:

  1. It seems we only trade one master for another – one shackle for another. Whatever freedom is, it is not earned through human struggle.
  2. Those who fought for our freedom did win (and praise God for that!) But eventually, they died – succumbing to the ultimate tyrant.

As I walked to work, the Lord began to reassure me by reminding me passages in His Word – I would encourage you to go through them with me. I feel strongly that these words are intended not only to encourage me but others as well.

He reminded me of { Galatians 5 }.

For freedom Christ has set us free; stand firm therefore, and do not submit again to a yoke of slavery.

But I say, walk by the Spirit, and you will not gratify the desires of the flesh.  For the desires of the flesh are against the Spirit, and the desires of the Spirit are against the flesh, for these are opposed to each other, to keep you from doing the things you want to do. But if you are led by the Spirit, you are not under the law.  Now the works of the flesh are evident: sexual immorality, impurity, sensuality,  idolatry, sorcery, enmity, strife, jealousy, fits of anger, rivalries, dissensions, divisions,  envy, drunkenness, orgies, and things like these. I warn you, as I warned you before, that those who do such things will not inherit the kingdom of God. But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control; against such things there is no law. And those who belong to Christ Jesus have crucified the flesh with its passions and desires.

He led me to 2 Corinthians 3:17-18

Now the Lord is the Spirit, and where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom. And we all, with unveiled face, beholding the glory of the Lord, are being transformed into the same image from one degree of glory to another. For this comes from the Lord who is the Spirit.

And finally, fire seems alight in my blood as I read Romans 8 (Please go and read it in its entirety! Here I am including the parts that really spoke to me)

So then, brothers, we are debtors, not to the flesh, to live according to the flesh.  For if you live according to the flesh you will die, but if by the Spirit you put to death the deeds of the body, you will live. For all who are led by the Spirit of God are sons of God. For you did not receive the spirit of slavery to fall back into fear, but you have received the Spirit of adoption as sons, by whom we cry, “Abba! Father!” The Spirit himself bears witness with our spirit that we are children of God, and if children, then heirs—heirs of God and fellow heirs with Christ, provided we suffer with him in order that we may also be glorified with him.

He has set me free to live in true freedom – freedom through the finished work of Christ and through the empowerment of the Holy Spirit (NOT through my own effort.) Freedom does not come from struggle. We are not merely called to “abstain” from the flesh but to abide in Christ. He is our only hope for salvation.

And from these readings I feel a mighty roar from within me to say these words:

I am no slave. Sin and death have no claim over me. By His blood and resurrection, the chains were broken and I was reborn into freedom. 

I am no orphan. I am a Child of God – daughter of the Most High – CO-heir with Christ. By His Spirit, I call the God of the Universe “Abba” and of this I am sure, He will answer me.

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It is sobering and a little strange to be reminded that although our forefathers won the battle against “foreign invaders”, that freedom was short-lived for they all eventually died anyway.

Furthermore, as we look at our people, can we really say that we have been freed from slavery? In our corruption and greed, we have bound ourselves to an even worse master.

But CHRIST fought our Ultimate Enemy { Death } and defeated him. He died but on the Third Day, rose again in victory – and now, in Him, we live!

On this, our Day of Independence, we must ask ourselves the all important question: { Am I Truly Free? } — and if you are in Christ today, let me tell you the resounding answer:

Whom the Son sets free is FREE indeed!

John 8:36

Spirit Speaks by All Sons & Daughters

Shackles by Mary Mary

Break Every Chain by WorshipMob

Forever by Kari Jobe

Offline Holiday: Challenge Accepted! (or not…)

The past few days have been tiring. I blame it all on the medication that I’ve been taking. It drives me absolutely stir crazy at night.

In the past 48 hours, I have slept a grand total of 3-4 hours – I think. I hadn’t been able to “nap” in the day time either. Was too busy yesterday and was too excited today.

Resurrection Sunday at Cornerstone Church was great. Even though I was sad that we didn’t have the Way of the Cross this year (like the past two years). I’m so glad that I was able to use the Easter holidays to regroup, recoup and get rejuvenated!

Plus, I have been eager to go see my Church mates! Ever since I’ve started to write DAILY for The Tapestry Project, I’ve formed a sense of connection to the Church. Even though its more of a “readership” connection, the fact that I know there are people who are “liking” my posts or reading what I’ve read, gets me excited to know what they’ve experienced and thought of.

Every week, we’ve been having unofficial “journal circle” where we’re basically talking about some of our favourite prompts during the week. I love LOVE LOVE doing it. Its so encouraging to me as a writer. People are calling each other throughout the week – just to ask, “Have you done today’s prompt yet?” or “Which day are you on?”

I was so excited that I ended up staying at the church until everyone had to leave. We were still talking on the way to the MTR station and I was talking until I was alone – at the Kwai Fong MTR Station.

I reached in for my iPhone to find that I had left it at the Church.

(long sigh).

Most days, this would have induced a violent visceral response. Me without my iPhone is like an anxiety attack waiting to happen. Today, I shook a little. I gave a loaded sigh and then I started writing on my journal – an idea started to form.

“How about an Offline Holiday?!”

Throughout this holiday, I have enjoyed – and I do mean ENJOYED – just living blissfully at home. For a self proclaimed HomeBuddy, going on trips is not a holiday that’s just leg work.

I was going to go to Macau with my mum and dad but frankly, I wanted to give them some alone time and give myself some alone time too.

I’m an introvert – I love alone time.

So here’s the Game Plan:

  1. I’m going on an ALL-DAY OFFLINE HOLIDAY (off the Internet, off FaceBook, off Instagram, of WordPress (GASP!).
  2. I will have no music so I will need to have my journal and probably a book.
  3. I will have no camera so its time to dust off my trusty  D90.
  4. I’m going to shop, eat, shoot, journal and get some much needed sun (although I’m told its gonna be cloudy tomorrow).
  5. I will upload pictures from my adventure later.

challenge-accepted

 

The only question is whether I can even wake up tomorrow without my iPhone.

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Bummer.

 

Too Busy Writing to Write

The past few days, all my time for journaling and writing has been sucked up by tapestryproject.

This is true irony since tapestryproject is supposed to help others to start writing – and here I am. The only writer on staff finding myself too busy writing to write for myself.

I’ve been journaling since I was 12 years old. I remember being inspired by the story of Cassie Bernall. How, in the end, all that was left of her were the words in her journals – words that told the world in her wake (because, if you didn’t know – she was killed in the Columbine Massacre) – that she was not only ready to die for Christ, she had been ready for a long while.

All my life, I’d never been upfront with my true self. When you live life in a fish bowl, you learn to get privacy when you can take it – IF you are given the luxury. Some pastor’s kids learn to give as little of themselves as possible. They’ll sit at the back of the church and choose to be uninvolved.

I tried that once. But it led to a lot of back talk. As much as I was beginning to resent my parents, I didn’t want to give the “church people” ammunition. I suppose my latter actions were born out of a weird protective sense. I wanted to hurt my parents but I didn’t want others to hurt them either.

I survived by learning to give people what they want – at least on the outside. I was all things to – to all people. My facade was the perfect pastor’s daughter. Nobody questions perfection after all. I loved the idea that nobody could touch the real me – that I was “safe” from everyone because nobody knew that I was just acting – a persona of my own making.

It served as a dual purpose. The church people couldn’t use me against my parents. My parents couldn’t say anything against me because I was “good”. And so, everyone would just leave me alone.

That worked for quite a while. Until, it started to get lonely.

When I started journaling, it was little more than a write up of the ongoings in my life. Later on, it became a confessional. In the future, I hope it will be my legacy.

In the end, I don’t really want to be remembered by the things I have done. I will readily admit that many of them were not done for the purest intentions. I write because I realized that I desperately wanted honesty.

But lately, I haven’t had the time to be honest.

I love what I’m doing at tapestry. People have been telling me how God has been talking to them through it. Everyday, I prepare the write up and scour the internet for “assets”. I look through past journals for inspiration and just pour my heart and soul into this project – because I believe in it. But, I can’t help but look forward to when I don’t have to run myself so haggard. When I too can breath again.

This entry, isn’t my best – or my most eloquent. I’m free-writing this thing. I guess I just wanted to rebel a bit.

I don’t have the time to write because I’m busy writing – but, if I don’t have the time, I’ll just make it.

Because I want to. Because I can.